Moments of Sensation

So when you say forever, can't you see you've already captured me.

2012-01-21T17:25:00.000-08:00

Waiting for my sleepy-time tea to steep and watching A Walk to Remember, I have some time on my hands to just think.
It's kinda crazy to think of how short Andy and I have been dating, but how much love we have for each other in that time frame. I was at the office and was talking to a patient about something Navy related, and mind you I have made it clear that he is my boyfriend, but they keep calling him my fiance. I do laugh and correct them, but I guess I can't blame them because it feels like we've been together so much longer. But I digress, well...not really, that story does play part in what I was thinking about.
Last night we both had our little date night, it's been awhile since we both went out without anyone else. It was quite nice; dinner, drinks, and bowling. Fortunately he didn't skunk me in our scores since somehow my lack of bowling skills and his messed up wrist and bowling skills evened out to a 78-77 score at the end of a game. As we were walking back to the car, he asked me almost out of nowhere what ring cut I prefer... Mind you I had been asked early on what type of precious metal I like (Gold, Silver, or White-Gold). I couldn't really tell him which I liked because it seems that I'm not like a normal girl and couldn't tell you the difference in Princess or Square Cut - outside of the obvious that Square must be a square looking cut.
It's almost hard to think that almost a year ago, I had another guy talking marriage with me...but I'm glad I got out of that relationship when I did cause I would be divorced as soon as I got married. I guess the difference here is that I can actually see this happening. I can actually see a future with Andy. Though when we were talking about more ring details, I had to resist telling him that I've kinda already planned out my future marriage. I may not know what kind of ring I'd like, but I know for sure what colors, clothing, and decorations I'm going to have.

Lots of grey, yellow, and black. Secretly I've having a Batman colored wedding eventually. But then again I want to incorporate Stargazer Lillies cause those are the flowers Andy brings me. Haha, I'm such a dork that I've kind of have this planned when I am no where close to getting married any time soon. :P

I guess ring-wise I've only come close to wanting something like this:

I want something simple, yet antique or vintage. I'm even considering something outside of the normal "diamond" since I think it would be cool to have a colored gemstone.

Darn that boy for getting me to think more about this that I should, but the best way for me to get thoughts out of my head are to write them all down.

Finals

2011-12-13T10:33:00.000-08:00

UGHHHH... I feel like I'm about to lose my mind.

I've been trying my best this whole semester on keeping up with assignments and grades, but I feel like nothing is up to par. I've been super stressed out with trying to get good grades and not disappoint my parents (and even my boyfriend), but I feel like that is making things worse. I don't know what I'm going to do if I fail a class or am not able to get loan money for my next semester. I feel like my head is about to burst, literally.
All I can think of in the past few weeks is how I'm probably going to disappoint my parents yet again in school and it's killing me. I just wish I could become a better student and not have everything on the outside play a factor in what I produce.
I've been having terrifying dreams lately all centering around failure and even around suicidal things. I cannot take this any longer. I'm terrified to see my final grades (I do have to say one grade is in already and I made a B in my Digital Arts class...but that isn't enough to quell my fears). I'm terrified to go home for Christmas if I get another bad grade, I'm terrified to sit in a car for hours on my way to Disney with my parents if I get another bad grade. I feel like I'm going mental. Maybe I'm just over-analyzing things, but I don't know what I'm going to do if I have another bad grade and am set back again.
I just want to go hide in some deep, dark place forever instead of seeing what my grades may be.
I have been doing what I think is "good" in my classes, but was it enough?
I just can't take this anymore.

Someone save me

2011-10-25T13:45:00.000-07:00

This week is going to be either a) a whirlwind that is over before I know it or b) the longest week in my existence.
I'm really excited that my bestie Autumn is here for the week for a visit since she now lives in NC and all our friends are still in VA, but at the same time I have to juggle entertaining her between work, classes, homework, Andy, and his parents being here for the week as well. Any and all free time that I may have had is going to be filled with me doing something when I'd rather be catching up on sleep like I normally do. This weekend is also Halloween, so that means going out and about to various parties as well. Trying to keep up appearances this week is going to be killer.
I'll manage this week somehow and come out successful.

So I'm currently eating in the stairwell to the super secret third floor of the arts building because I can't paint anything in class since my blue paint fell out of my backpack. It's pointless to take almost 30 minutes to walk back to my apartment just to grab paint and only have a short time to paint in class before going to my next one. Seriously, what in the hell is up with this. I cannot start my week off like this now. D: I feel like such a failure at this point. I know my work is good for these classes but I'm totally freaked out about not passing. This stress stuff is not cool and not to be mean at this point, but I really wish Autumn was just here for the weekend and not the whole week since I really don't want to deal with having to entertain while I have so much stuff to do. UGH!

It's almost time

2011-10-07T17:28:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the big day. Andy is coming home with me to meet my parents and stay in NoVA for 3 days since I was fortunate enough to get that Monday off from work.
I'm picking him up tomorrow morning from work and hitting the road. I'm really looking forward to the car ride and the possible conversations to be had, since it's really been awhile since it's just been me and him alone together. I'm glad to have a passenger in the car because driving alone takes a toll on me and sometimes I get really tired. Talking should definitely keep me awake.
Plans for the weekend include going to JMU tomorrow for the game to see my cousin perform in the marching band, then Sunday going down to my grandparent's house for a cook-out with the other side of the family, and coming back on Monday to Norfolk/Portsmouth whenever we feel like heading back. I love having a 4 day weekend for break.
I really think my parents are going to like Andy and I'm excited for that...but then again I'm still nervous to hear what they think of him probably in private at some point.

This is really happening...

2011-09-19T13:26:00.000-07:00

So my mother posted on my Facebook wall today about coming home the weekend of fall break and that she still wanted to meet Andy. Now, if that was alluding to asking him to come back with me that weekend or not, I was just thinking now that they were back from Wyoming they could come down and meet him.
Andy had to have seen that post because he texted me about telling my mom that he's free that weekend.

So I wanted to make sure he was serious in coming up to meet my folks and my family (since we're having a cook-out at my grandparents on that Sunday). Now we have plans that weekend to meet my parents and whatnot. I'm a little shocked my parents took that so well on letting him stay for the weekend, even though they haven't meet him yet. I hope he enjoys my bed since I have to sleep on the air mattress in the office...I don't easily give up my bed at home to just anyone :P
So JMU football game (if my aunt gets back to my mom and whatnot to see my cousin play in the Marching Band) on Saturday and on Sunday going down to my grandparents to have a cook-out.
I am nervous and excited at the same time. These 3 weeks are probably going to blow right by me and before I know it, I'll be going home and my parents are going to meet my boyfriend.

I have so many emotions right now

2011-09-15T16:35:00.000-07:00

So, I really need to get this out cause it's really the one thing that I've been thinking about over and over right now...outside of the normal boundaries of school, work, and sorority business like usual.

I have kind of let this "diary" of sorts fall to the wayside since I've been a bit preoccupied lately with those 3 and hanging out with Andy. Things have been super awesome as of late and it's nice to see my life taking some shape, even though I may not execute it in the best manner. It's just the kind of person that I am.

But I digress.

I've been on this Tyler Ward kick lately, and if you have never listened to him before you should click that link after you have finished reading this. I think I've gotten around to listening to almost all of his songs/covers. But there is one is general that got me thinking just a bit about where my relationship is heading and things like that. It's Falling by Tyler Ward feat. Alex G. This song right down here.

I guess what I'm trying to figure out...is there a middle ground between like and love? The more I've been around Andy lately and having the lingering feeling of how I'd rather not have to leave to go back home, not wanting him to stop kissing me, not wanting him to let me go...those things. I wish there was a way to say that I like him more than just the initial liking of him as a person. It's deeper than that right now. Love is too strong of a word to use right now. I've also been thinking if I can say that I love him, but more in the sense of "I love being around you, I love what you do, I love who you are...but not the whole I-LOVE-you-couldn't-see-myself-without-anyone-else kinda love." Does that even make sense?

I do know that I'm starting to fall for him, and I'm falling hard if everything keeps up like it is.

Bringing this from Tumblr

2011-09-15T16:02:00.000-07:00

Why I like Andy…let me count the ways…

You ever have one of those moments where you feel completely comfortable around someone even though you haven’t even gotten to know them yet? That’s kinda how it is.
Granted I know him much better than I did from those small messages sent online, back and forth to one another in the beginning, but there’s just this connection between us.
I guess I could get into the shallow nature of what I like: he’s tall, has tattoos, glasses, a deep voice, looks good in a uniform, goes to Church, etc. Then I could talk about his personality and hobbies: great musical talent that I lack, creative, reads, bit of a handy-man but able to sew among other things, charming, funny, a complete gentleman, etc.

I’m still trying to figure out what the push was in me to continue talking to him when I was basically fed up with hearing the same thing again and again from guys online, and eventually getting up the courage/settling my nerves to finally meet him. I can fess up that I did a little praying to God that when the time was right He’d bring a guy into my life that was right for me. Sometimes I think He gave me a lot more, and I’m not complaining. We’re given as much as we can handle.

There are just moments when I’m inspired after hanging out with him. There are times when I don’t want to leave back to my place.There are days where I sit back and re-read what he’s texted me cause I have to make sure that was actually said…to me.
Sometimes I wonder why he does all the nicest things for and with me (and I should get over the fact that I feel like I don’t deserve it -curse the past)My friends can see it and I sure can feel it.Life’s just a bit brighter for me when he’s around now.

My Cheshire Cat Grin

2011-08-16T17:54:00.000-07:00

I keep putting off writing a new entry, even though I've been meaning to do so since this weekend. You know, to keep up with what happens in my life... okay, maybe not "everything" since most of it happens to pertain to boys, well a certain boy right now.

Let's recap the weekend for the most part.

Friday I went out to an art show that Andy was in to support his work. Myself, still being the shy person that I tend to be, asked my Big, Andrea, to accompany me to the event. My GPS decided that it was going to be super lame getting me out to the art center in Suffolk and took us on quite the adventure. We met up with everyone there to check out the photography and what won best show.
How can you say that this:

won "Best in Show," over this:

I'd like to say that Andy's had better compositional value over the first and I'm not just saying that because I like him. Anyways, we walked around the gallery with his friends being the internet dorks that we are going "is this arts?" or "can i haz arts?" It was quite hilarious, along with the "owling" in the gallery. Afterwards we decided to go to get some food at a local place called Amici's. I didn't know where it was and told Andy I'd follow him there. It seemed like they were taking forever to get going, so I pulled out my GPS, acquired the location, and pulled up to where he was still parked GPS in hand with a slight smirk on my face that I had found it first. Commence caravan following me to the pizza place and Andy trying to race me to the front door, to which I beat him to cause he had to cross the street. :P
I also met his parents that night as well, who drove all the way from Illinois to see him in the show, so I tried not to be awkward as possible in front of them. We get there and it's a bit of a wait, so Andy goes and buys everyone a round of drinks, kinda awesome right? Finally we're sat and are figuring out what to eat, he leans over to me and says that I can get whatever I want, insinuating he's got me covered. I was originally going to pay for myself and Andrea cause I brought her out there with me, but I didn't have to do that either because Andy paid for her too! At this point in the night I'm completely in shock because he paid for her and myself and probably his parent's meal too, and who knows who else. Andrea and I, plus everyone else had a round of shots paid and drinks paid for by his friends too. Is this what hanging out around military folks is like? Not that I'm trying to sound like I'm out for money cause I did feel bad that others were paying for me, but it was really nice. I'm still blown away.
After dinner, we all drive back to Andy's where we hang out, smoke hookah, and watch Animal House. I end up spending the night with Andrea so I don't have to drive an hour back to Va Beach at 2am.

Saturday I end up texting Andy for most of the day. All random stuff, since we're keeping ourselves busy by asking each other questions. Getting to know each other since sometimes we can't always hang out due to work and the distance right now. My normal 15min drive from Norfolk to Portsmouth is now about an hour. He gives me and Andrea the invite to a BBQ that's happening that night at his place and to come on out if we were free. We both were going to go out, but Andrea wasn't feeling too well so I ended up still going out there. The drive was a nightmare though since it decided that it was going to downpour the whole drive and people don't know how to drive down here when it rains. Anyways, I'm hanging out with Andy, George and his dad on the front porch while it was sprinkling for a bit, just shootin' the breeze. I end up chatting with his mom and dad intermittently throughout the night to get to know them. Eating, hanging out, drinking...normal stuff for the night. Though it was funny at one point cause one of Andy's friend thought we were dating and I looked at him and was like "you better respond cause I sure as hell am not." We had to explain that we were just friends and it was kinda our 4th date. Ended up watching Sucker Punch and I left around 2am and felt bad for coming back so late to my aunt and uncle's house.They didn't mind.
Andy told me today that he had the song "Crush'd" by Say Anything playing after I left.

I ended up listening to it and had the biggest grin on my face. Listen to it too and tell me that you wouldn't look like the biggest dork in the world if a guy said that it was a song that made him think of you and him. Tell me I'm wrong, cause I'm not. I'm just not used to all this, and even though it can be a bit overwhelming at times, it's still really nice. He said that he's still can't get over the fact that I told him I'm not used to all the nice gestures of holding doors and paying for things...so he told me guys today suck and can't believe it (probably not being gentlemanly to me).

I'm literally back to the point in my life where you have a crush on someone, you like them, and get butterflies/anxious when you go to see them or talk to them. I've even gotten my muse flowing again and it's allowing me to work on some art, which I haven't done in a long time.

It's also super sweet that he's inviting me to things months in advance hoping I'll "still be around."

Gahhh, I'll stop gushing.
I get to see him, hopefully, tomorrow night if duty doesn't suck too hard for him.

America's Favorite Passtime

2011-08-07T21:31:00.000-07:00

I can't really sleep right now cause I'm not tired and the lighting flashing into my room is kind of creepy.

So Saturday night I went to a baseball game with Andy.
I presumed that we were going with a group of people, but it ended up that it was just me and him until we got to Harbor Park and met up with his crewmates...boatmates...shipmates?
He came to pick me up from my apartment and was apologizing prefusely when he wasn't there at 5pm when he said he'd be there to pick me up. There was construction on the Portsmouth tunnel, so he had to take a different route into Norfolk. I didn't really think much of it, but he still apologized to me when I came outside...to which he got out of his SUV and opened my door. Sorry if I'm repeating this but, HE OPENED MY DOOR! [insert a mini version of myself flailing about in my head when he did this]. Last time a guy did this for me was back in high school and ended up being my BF later on.

Continuing on...
We drive out to the park in downtown Norfolk and we ended up getting there early. I got to check out how awesome his FJ Cruiser is. We watched a bit of Harry Potter :)

We meet up with some shipmates of his when we're in line waiting for the picnic to start, I meet some more people who I semi-remember their names, and then we go in.
Food, drinks, eat.
So we finish eating and we're chatting about our lives up to this point and family, when Andy looks at me and says "Oh! I want you to know that if you want anything, and I mean anything...just let me know. Cotton Candy, Beer, Soda, Chips, you name it and I'll get it for you." Commence me trying not to let my jaw hit the ground.

Some more time passes and we head for our seats since the game is going to start. More chatting about personal experiences and such, playing with little kids (he's a kid person- or well, does really good around them...how in the world do you even phrase that?), game ends at the bottom of the 8th with the Tides winning 9-1.
Watched a long fireworks presentation to which all the debris from the fireworks decided to fly back out way. One large piece landed down my shirt and I apologized for digging it out of my shirt, amidst smirks from him.

So game over, we're headed to leave and his friends were hungry (I was a little bit, but I ate a lot at the picnic). Collectively we decided on Cogan's Pizza for food. Might I add he opened the door to the car again? More chatting about people and life, holding hands, running into Sigma Nu guys who were on the impression I was still dating Matt (quite funny actually), great beer and calimari. Btw, he paid for everything, which was a change of scenery for me.

We head to leave, he puts his arm elbow out and goes "Shall we dance?"...my god if I didn't have a mini heart attack right then. Oh hey, Andy opened the car door again for me (If you don't understand now, I have a thing for guys who gentlemanly-like things).
He drove me back to my place where I literally had to resist the urge to make-out with him because of all the nice things he did for me on Saturday. So instead of like a single goodnight kiss, there were a few. It's hard to describe. Haha :3

So we've been chatting all day today and I almost thought he might have been asking me out, cause we were on the subject of dating and how long your longest relationship was. Both of us have the 2 year curse and he says "Wanna break it? :)"
...
...
...
...I honestly didn't know what to write back after that because he doesn't seem like the kind of guy to do that over the phone. So I asked him "...are you asking what I think you might be asking? or implying?" just to clarify things and he reassured me that if he was going to do that he'd do it face to face.

That boy has been raised well.

Gahh, I'm just in such a state of girliness that I don't know what to do with myself.

I'll probably delete this later

2011-08-02T19:57:00.000-07:00

Watching Friends with Benefits made me miss sex.
I want a hot make-out session.
I want great, passionate interaction.
I want someone to touch me like they mean it.
I just want real intimacy.

"I need to change, I can't look like a dork."

2011-08-02T13:40:00.000-07:00

Last night was really great.
I ended up going to meet Andy for the first time and hang out. I ended up at his house around 8:30pm after telling him I needed to change out of my work clothes so I didn't look like a complete dork when I met him. Normally when I meet someone, I'm never sure whether to shake their hand or go straight into a hug. I'd like to go in for a hug for the most part, it's a bit more personal, but you never know what someone's comfort levels are. Andy popped out of his room after I got to meet George, his heterosexual life partner, and Andy went straight into a hug. Thank goodness, that took away the awkwardness. I met a handful of his other friends who were coming over to hang out. George kept trying to figure out where Andy and I met, but we both gave each other a look that needed no words, that said "we're not telling him we met on a dating site." I said we met during a rap off.
I tried Jägermeister for the first time that night too. Dang, that stuff is amazing...

I think I have a newfound love for the Dave Matthew's Band as well. :)

I'm super intrigued by him. He's very lively and just different. He has cats too! I left the house around 2am since I was trying to stay up all night so I wouldn't miss the Pottermore clue, but we ended up chatting outside at my car for another hour. So, 3 hugs, a kiss goodnight, and getting into Pottermore at 6am was a pretty great night.

Awkward Turtle

2011-08-01T16:36:00.000-07:00

So I was asked by a guy to hang out with him tonight. We've been talking for a few days and I even drunk messaged him. Good thing he took it well instead of looking at me like I was some weirdo (thankfully no slurred words and only commenting on his cuteness).
He's hanging out with a bunch of guys, and even though he's asked me to come hang out, I'm not sure if I want to impose on his free time with his bros. Well, I'd feel a little more comfortable meeting this guy if I knew that there were other girls to be there as well, but I have no idea. Plus, I get out of class at 9:30pm...is that too late to be going out to Hooters? They're probably open till like 1am and it might kill my time waiting for Pottermore to drop their 3rd clue...but still...

I hang out with guys all the time and know how to hold my own, but I don't like jumping into sausage fests all the time. I'm normally really comfortable around guys as well, so why am I getting all jittery? I just need to suck it up, be the badass chick that I am, and bring out my "bro" side (with a bit of awkward charm that tends to reel the boys in).

Okay, so I just got some confirmation that there will be more women-folk there, so that eases my nerves a little bit. But now I'm in the dilemma of what to wear? Why is this always my problem...to look cute, but not like you're trying to hard to impress anyone (even though that's really what I'm trying to do). I'm not going in my work clothes that I'm wearing right now.

New update as my plans may be changing since I'm sitting in British Lit. waiting to get out as we discuss North and South, while I'm anxiously waiting for our break to happen so I can leave. May not be going out to Hooters, but I may still go out tonight...still waiting on a reply text.

My heart hurts

2011-07-26T18:54:00.000-07:00

I feel like this post is going to counter-act the post I made earlier about this guy I was talking to online. It's goes a bit like this:

I wanted to kill some time today by watching some movies. I was going to watch Oldboy, but had the sudden urge to watch She's the Man. I've never really seen it all the way through, so this was my movie choice for the evening. I have a few laughs and really enjoy the movie, but as it draws to the end and Duke shuns Viola, the water-works start. Now I'm really not sure why this is happening and it just gets worse when they finally confess their love for one another...you know, the normal sappy teenage love stories where everyone is happy in the end.

I think that's when I realized why I was crying.

One, I really miss playing soccer. I miss having a group fo girls fighting in a game to win and just being in the net. I miss hitting the ground. I miss the satisfaction of saving a goal or blocking a penalty kick. I miss my Batman jersey and my gloves that smell to high heaven after a game. I miss everything. I really wish the situation that happened with ODU's women's team worked out for the better and that the club team at the time wasn't trying to get drunk before games. I also wish I had been a little more prepared with having a Chiropractor on hand, so I wasn't so worn out after practices and games.
but most of all, the main reason is this:
I want to experience a genuine relationship.
As much as I crack jokes about cheesy one-liners and chick flicks, I want my life to turn out right with a special someone. I keep looking back on the 2 relationships I had and I'm at war with myself.
My very first relationship was with the quirkiest guy I knew. He was gorgeous and still is. I liked him for his off-beat personality for the majority of it and the looks were a super perk. But somewhere I always wondered if he loved me as much as I loved him. To this day I cannot get over how much I really love him. To be honest, he was my first love. I got butterflies when he was around me and I get butterflies when I see his name pop up on my news feed. He was a gentleman and one of the best guys around.
We broke up mutually because of school and our busy schedules, but still talk.

My second boyfriend was a guy I had a bit of a crush on in high school. He was popular and pretty funny. For the most part we shared interests, but I didn't think anything would come of it. I found out he was at ODU with me and I was excited that I might be able to get to know him more. He was dating a girl I used to play soccer with, but I didn't like her too much because she made soccer a bit rough for me. I managed to convince him to break up with her and date me. I realize now that this was more of a vindictive stab at her than wanting a real relationship. Sure, we hit things off well and I thought we had a decent relationship. Something was missing though...I didn't get butterflies. I don't think I felt much of anything with him.
At that point I should have just ending things, but a more darker side came out in me. I knew he was a bit of a heartbreaker in HS, so I wanted him to know what it felt like to those other girls on the other side. So I broke up with him in the worse way. Then I got back together with him. Build him up, break him down. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.
I knew deep down he didn't Love me. I knew he didn't really want to marry me. I know that all know because he's still a flirt. He was probably seeing other girls behind my back for all I know. But he told me he loved me and wanted to marry me. Psh, what a load of crock. I never wanted to marry him in the first place.
Also, if you're snooping my Tumblr to see how I'm doing, I hope you see this you inconsiderate dick and know my real intentions on dating you. Once a man-whore, always a man-whore.

Not my best side truthfully, but sometimes points have to be made.

But what I am getting at, is that, I want to experience a genuine relationship like my very first. I want the butterflies in my stomach, I want the cheesy messages, I want passion back. It's so hard these days to find someone that isn't in your immediate friend group to date. Sure, there is a guy who is in my friend group that I actually really like, but I highly doubt he'd see me like a girlfriend any time soon. I've told him on many occasions that I like him, but he just brushes it off as me joking.
I think the reality is setting in.
I am going to be single for awhile.
I may not find someone and it scares me.
Being an only child you would think that you get over the loneliness easily, but that's not the case.
Loneliness is ten times worse.

SparkLife » What Ashley Ate to Lose Weight

2011-07-25T17:31:00.000-07:00

SparkLife » What Ashley Ate to Lose Weight

I want to keep this as something to look at later when I start hitting the gym again. I need to get back on my goal to get in shape for cosplaying at conventions...or well The Dark Knight Rises premier in 2012, since I want to dress up as Catwoman. ;)

Back to the dating grind

2011-07-19T12:49:00.000-07:00

So I feel like I'm finally ready to take a step back into the dating world.
I'm just hoping (and sometimes praying) that the right guy will come into my life, unless of course he's already in it, to which I say "Hurry up and make yourself known!"
I guess I'm looking for something almost like my first relationship, mind you I've only dated 2 guys. Both we very serious and lasted about 2 years each. But, my first boyfriend was a real gentleman and really tried to make sure we both were having fun and did a lot of spontaneous things with me.
Maybe it's the fact that I'm 21, most of my friends are getting engaged and/or preggers and I feel like my life is going to perpetually revolve around work, school, and being single. I guess after being in a relationship where someone wasn't the most emotionally kind person, you want someone who really genuinely cares. Instead of the bull-crap I was fed about how much he loved me and wanted to marry me. Somewhere deep down I really couldn't feel it.
Love really is about the butterflies in your tummy whenever you see that person you like, always smiling, trust, and it's just easy. With my last relationship, I didn't really have much of it, if any at all.

So looks like I'm back on OkCupid.com to scour men on the interwebs and maybe I may just run into someone in one of my classes next fall.
Here's to hoping

xoxo